Postulant Time!

After eight months, I transitioned from a Wannabe to a Postulant. In case I have not explained these titles (and there are more to come), let me go over them in a way that helps most Protestants. Being one of them - I know this helped me a lot.
Wannabe - Official title is Associate. You think she(he) looks really cute from across the room.... and wonder if there could be "something there."
Postulant - She(he) sure enough has turned out to be a really nice person. The feeling is mutual and so now you are dating. Let's see if there is something there that will lead to a whole change in your life!
Novice - It's getting a lot more serious - you are now engaged!!!
First Profession - Congrats! You are in your honeymoon period!...
Final Profession - WoW! You are happily married! Now, you works BEGINS! As with all long term relationships, it takes constant and committed work.
Hopefully, this gives you a better idea of where I am, and what is ahead. I know - most of us are into time, time,time - so let me tell you now, that I have no idea when I will transition from Postulant to Novice. It can take several months, a year and some have been known to take two years. I have a feeling that the two year ones had some REAL doubts, but who knows. The Associate time was one where I checked 'em out while they were doing the same with me. Could I "cut the mustard?" Was I able to "fit in" to a schedule, all those different personalities, and although never mentioned -- was I gonna freak out when the snow piled up and it got cold as an ice cube around here! In other words, and as Sr. Kathleen said during my Postulancy Service - Perserverance. And, I can tell you - it was one! So much to learn (it takes six months to find everything in that huge kitchen!), getting into the routine of making it to prayers, cooking for 10 to 18 people, dragging laundry to other buildings, keeping you mouth shut when you hear another saying something you think is really stupid! LOL Not getting ticked off when the one you share kitchen clean-up pretends they are allergic to the drying towel.
Yes, the monastery is filled with people you meet everywhere. The difference is that you have a place where everyone is actively trying to be the best they can be. Imagine it as a marriage where both partners are working at making it work out for the very best of each other - every day! Woo-Hoo - wouldnt that be something!
During my time as Postulant, I move into the Resident Hall and so here come more changes. How well do I adjust? This is something that will be observed. How well can I keep to the house rules (sorry, room parties are now a thing of the past!), and how many times can I make it inside without slamming the door? I imagine it will also be how I can work out sharing the bathroom with the Novice that shares it with me. Since I've already been cooking and sharing laundry days, and doing assigned choirs, this is something that I will not have to adjust too. Last summer, I think they knew that I was going to stick it out, so they added these areas right away... and that also helped them lessen their load. It now means I have that much less of an adjustment, now.
I meet once a month with the Postulant Director. She helps to guide me through this transition period. Monday, as we met, she reached out to let me know I can ask her questions any time. This is a good thing since this place does NOT come with a manual! She gave me the info about the Resident Hall being a quiet place - there will not even be other Sisters or Postulants or Novices stopping in for conversation, there. It is a place where we all know we can find a private and quiet area. Since the monastery is full people that are into projects, talking about any number of things, and Retreatants sharing their stories - to have a place of sanctuary outside of Chapel, sounds wonderful to me.
The room is also whatever you wnat to make of it. I painted the 10x11 foot room with the slightest lightest share of lavendar - and one wall several shades darker. Anyone who knows me, knows I am into PURPLE! I have brightly colored sheers with wild patterns on them (East Indian designs) and a lamp that is more than retro! I painted the woodwork stark white. My bed will be delivered SOMEtime, soon. We are waiting on that, since I obviously can not sleep on the floor!
Another change - budgeting to see how much I spend a month! Yuk! But, it is necessary, since the day will come when I will have $50/month to live on. Before you faint, or think I will be wearing rags wrapped around my feet through the deep snow - this $50 is personal spending while the monastery takes care of all other expences. Still, you can imagine, it could be a ...how should I put this -- ah, adjustment! I must admit that when Sr. Eileen told me about this, my first thought was CARE PACKAGES FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS! LOL
Hopefully, I have answered a lot of the usual questions. I know my friends have asked for more information.
And, how do I FEEL? I feel "different," from last Friday to last Saturday. I was surprised, since my thinking the entire time was that I did not care about these titles. I was (and am) just thankful to be here - in a place where I can grow closer to God. But, I DID feel different. After some introspection, I realized that - as with any ceremony, it DOES change your feelings. It is a public announcement of what you care about - what is important inside your heart. How could I have felt any differently?

Oh! Holy Mountain

I'm still not writing about what it is like to be on that mountain, am I? What it is like to being a Nun wannabe... and what the process is like.
I guess there are so many subtleties that it makes it trickier than one would think to "describe" it. Try describing "my church" to someone and see how far you get! LOL... well, I am going to give it a try and see how rambling and vague I become!
I am not filing for postulancy, now.... I will in the future, and although I've been given the paperwork to fill out, there is now a drawback. I'm going to have major surgery and the bottom line is that I have to recover enough to care for myself before the Community can even consider me as a candidate. This has been hard on me in some ways, since as a dreamer, I would have liked for them to say "HEY, we LOVE you! Sign up and we will pray for you to get better and wait for your return from rehab to welcome you home." As it turns out, they will pray and wait, but not for a postulant... just a wannabe.
The reasons are obvious - the Community can not accept me until I demonstrate that I am physically able to be an active member of that Community; like any other. And right now, all energy is going to support Sr. Carolyn and ourselves as we all walk this journey of cancer with her.
Doesn't mean that I am not disappointed and a little scared that I won't be able to cut it.
My prayer life has become the backbone of my life. The chanting, the prayers, the Compline before bed each night. It is as if (and surely it does) replenish my energy. I will miss that while I am gone. I don't know when the surgery will be, but that's what I mean when I say I will be gone. OH! Holy Mountain, I have come to need your healing grace.
Not that everyone here is ready for Sainthood. LOL - there is one that has not agreed with a single idea I've had since I arrived. She is nice enough, but its like no one can have an idea without her taking exception to it. Although I could well be taking THAT too far.... it could be that we are on different poles and she only disagrees with MY ideas.
The latest has been over mice - and getting rid of them from St. Joseph's House (where I live). As dreaded, when cold weather came, so did the mice. I've gotten hold of some humane traps, and until last night, they were too smart for them! They figured out a way to eat the cheese and not be trapped, or at least they were escaping the trap. The sentiment was that I HAD to stop feeding those mice and there was a better way to get rid of them. I flatly informed everyone that I was NOT going to snap a mouse's neck because she/he sought refuge from the cold. I can not IMAGINE what that would be like! And I dont want to see it so that I had a mental picture of it! I plan to track down some larger and more sophisticated traps. One stupid mouse didn't make it out last night, but that's not a good record! I know they are pricey, those larger ones - but at this point, I have to cough it up or there will be snapped mouse necks!
And so, don't think for a minute that all is light and roses and prayers and angels on the Mountain. Someone told me that a religious goes into the monastery with their personality and there they keep it (have I mentioned that before?). I'd like to think that was a general generalization since I have already seen a great change in one of the Novices just since I've been here. And, I pray that I will change in any way that will serve others and myself to the best in this world.
But, first I have to leave this Holy Mountain - have surgery - get better - and return.

Holidays & Holy Days

As usual, a lot has been going on. Looks like I had to head to a monastery to find my days so full. AND, I've put more miles on my car than in its 9 year life with me! Go figure! But, it's all "good work" to me, and I have never felt more satifisfed with my life than at this moment.
Saturday, we had the Greening of the Chapel. We spent the day collecting ivy, holly, and greens from the property. Some made wreaths while others snipped the holly leaves from bushes. Others cleaned which I thought was rather amusing since I knew what would happen as soon as the service started! And what a special service it was! Someone read a meditation, then we would begin to sing (I played the organ!) as people began to hang the branch cuttings from light fixtures - then another meditation, singing as we hung the wreaths all around the 8-sided chapel. The last is the most dramatic -- another meditation, then singing as people went to the open second floor and began to drop the ivy over the side.
TRANSFORMED! The Chapel is beautiful, and smells beautiful, too. It is officially Advent. Our chants are in candlelight....
We drew names and our stockings are hung with care... in the causeway from the main building to the Chapel. I check mine each day to see if my Secret Santa has dropped a surprise in there! I am very lucky - whoever it is KNOWS me. Oh yes, it is usually purple! Each evening before we eat, a meditation is read, and we stand for a few minutes to consider it. Yesterday, it was about the 4 Nuns that were raped, tortured, and then murdered 30 years ago in El Salvador. One of them was just 2 weeks younger than me.
Thankfulness - mainly, this is a season to be thankful... for me, anyway. I am surrounded by prayer, love and support - laughter, jokes and teasing.
Not to say I've found heaven on earth. Someone told me that religious enter a monastery with their personality, and they keep that personality. This is obvious in a few cases!! However, I don't buy that fully, as some have changed with love and encouragement just since I've been here. I pray that my heart will also learn to open as wide as it can - in order to be who I was meant to be on this earth. This is the goal that brought me to the mountain, and one I reach out for every single day.
I am the lucky one. I wonder how many try to be all they can be - and are beat down by the "season of Joy," media, those personalities that seem not to be able to take a breath without something demeaning passing their lips. And don't you just love it when they then turn and tell you how they live lives that are far reaching? We all know that deep down they are in such pain.
I haven't mentioned Jesus Christ once! Amazing, isn't it? Bet you thought this entry would be full of "the baby Jesus is about to be born." Well, we all know that, and like you - I wait for that blessed moment of celebration. However, I try very hard to remember that Jesus is my living example every day of the year. I grew so weary of going through the motions of being a Christian, and decided to walk it. Holidays and Holy Days are nice - but I really don't think Jesus had that in mind when he was living. These are human constucts that at one time, and in some other places, were meant to bring us closer to God and to the man who lived a life of example. He was a religious - and lived to be what he was meant to be.
My prayer for all of you is that you will spend this Holiday/Holy Days thinking about what it would take for you to set yourself free. What a gift under the tree that would be.

It's Time For The Nuts and The Bolts

For those of you that are tapping that foot -- ticking those fingertips against the keyboard thinking out loud, "WHEN is she going to tell me what goes ON in there?," I thought I would get that out of the way. After all, I did promise to let people know what it is like to enter a monastery!
So, I will start with the basics -- like the schedule. I am one to seek the life of a religious, however, I am NOT a person who would fit behind walls and a lifetime of silence. The closer I've come to God, the more I have felt the need to "be quiet" and to serve. The Dwelling Place Monastery is a perfect home for me, as you will see by the schedule - AND - if you are aware of the schedules of other monasteries!
5:45am It's up and at it -- getting ready for Prayers.
6:30am Morning Prayer
7:00am Breakfast
Off to work with the poor for everyone -- down the mountain and out into the world. In my case, I work at the St. James Episcopal church office 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. On the 5th day, I work on the community web site, in the library, take photographs, run errands, and at the Floyd County Animal Shelter.
5:45pm Evening Prayer
6:15pm Supper
9:00pm Compline - silence until morning.
This is Monday through Friday. On Saturday, we continue to work. There are 24 acres to care for, and many buildings that must be kept clean and in repair. We usually work some or most of the day on Saturday with whatever needs to be done on the monastery property. On Sunday, I attend church services, and then - have the rest of the day off.
Inbetween those hours during the week, we share our day's journey with each other, we take walks, we have private prayer. We read, we sew, we knit. We garden, we sit! We almost always have a retreatant, and this means that Christ is at the door! And that means there is someone who needs to be watched over. Everyone who comes to our door is to be served as Christ. And so, although we might come home from work, there is still work to be done.
I am now on the official chore and work list! I think this is a good sign, my dear friends! Figure if I wasn't working out here, they wouldn't bother to make out a list and put my name down. I now cook on Tuesdays (if anyone has any good and SIMPLE vegetarian dishes, please contact me!) for anywhere from 10-15 people, and do dishes on Thursday and and Friday nights. I tend the flower garden at St. Joseph's. How kind of them to assign this plot to me, knowing that my back can not take a lot of bending; it is a very small area. I must also keep St. Joseph's House clean and neat for retreatants. Since this place has a special place in my heart (the first place I stayed as a retreatant four years ago) it is an honor to keep it nice and as pleasant for others that are visiting. I also live there!
And then - very close to my heart is my new OFFICIAL POSITION -- Animal Behavior Specialist! What a title! The Prioress came up with that one. Yes, I am in charge of training the dogs to a few new habits around the monastery. There are three of them, all three are different in personality and needs. I love them. It makes my job very easy. It makes this job pure joy.
And so, there's the nuts and bolts. Of course, there is a lot more. The prayers mean we read the psalms through every 5 weeks. We keep the Daily Office. It has become my anchor. My day would not be complete without coming together to pray.

What's It All About....Alfie?

I have no idea. The only thing I know after taking a 10 week inventory, is that this is truly a process of loss and gain, dying and learning to live anew. How do you put that down on paper, or chit chat about that over afternoon tea?
My heart is filled in happiness - but more importantly, when those moments when it is not, I know deeply, that it is ok. This is a safe place. God is here, where no other place is for ME. Of course - God is everywhere in everything. I have always known that, and know that. However, for me, it does not mean I can see or hear God. Those glimpses from the side, those whispers just caught -- are not where I came from; not very often. At least not as easily gained. And I felt alone in the middle of the crowd. There was a stranger in the midst of the laughter. Not to be confused with a sad lonely stranger, but a stranger I was. Have always been. I love people. I enjoy people. I laugh - inside and out. But how can you feel truly at home when there is another world that can not be shared on any level with anyone? That is why I left everything. It was now or not to be. Was I going to see if I was brave enough to leave conformity (where I'd failed, but was at least liked and found to be entertaining most of the time), or would I do what I had done all of my life - over half a century and follow along; attempting to be like everyone else
I left a life behind in search of another. That is what I got. And, as I continue to discover the dying and living it takes to embrace it, I am.... finally discovering what God made.

On The Mountain - Arrival - AT LAST!

I know! You thought I dropped off a cliff, somewhere! It has been so long. And, it has. In the realm of time and in place. It has taken me a while to get hold of a computer that works, and it took me even longer to WANT to get on a computer.
Surprising. It was for me. So much of life has been computers. Work, friends, shopping, news, socializing. Yet, where I am now, there doesnt seem to be such a "need" for it. I forget to get on the computer! For me, that is sort of like forgetting to eat dessert! However, I wont go as far as saying its like forgetting to eat chocolate!
My first couple of weeks at the Dwelling Place Monastery was so tiring. The first week I hardly knew I was there. Each evening at Evening Prayer, everyone has a chance to say a prayer ending with, "We pray," and everyone answers, "Lord, hear our prayer." Days passed, and I never acknowledged my arrival! I knew they were beginning to wonder what was going on. Was I happy? Was I ready to pack the car and perhaps slip out in the night?
It was the trauma of leaving. No, not because I missed my home, family, friends, familiar things. It was what it took out of me to GET out of there. And it wasn't until I WAS out of there, that the trauma of it truly hit me hard. Like PTSD, I was numb; I rarely raised my head to look at the trees above me.
Five days after arriving, during Evening Prayer, I said, "In thanksgiving for my arrival for I HAVE arrived! We pray." And the Sisters all turned to me and smiled. In unison, they said, "LORD, hear our prayer."
And I have arrived. Each day I learn something new... where another dish goes in the largest kitchen I have ever seen... how a tiny piece of my heart fits inside this world of Joy.
I have arrived. I am SO tired and I am SO happy.
And, I will be back here very soon.
Much love for all of you who have waited with love.

Angels In The Sky

I woke up this morning, rolled over, and saw angels.
This is the best way to start ones day. I decided this, as I watched in wonder as one angel, cherub, and okay, elderly man and woman, and a few chidren, aimlessly passed by after another.
The clouds were amazing. It lasted a long time and for obvious reasons, I didn't want it to be finished. My greatest view was of a standing angel kissing the forehead of a woman. Then there were fat cherubs, and even an angel floating with arms outsretched - just hanging there with a billowing long garment, as if saying "Hello, I can see you from here. Can you see me?"
I mention this because it is important. I think as important as anything I've mentioned before. I love life and it is exciting. The wonder of it is amazing. I am dazzeled almost every day and on the days I am not, I ask myself why I didn't bother. Because it all has to do with how I busy myself. I can busy myself with the this's and that's and call it reality, or I can watch those clouds to see angels.
I can look into the eyes of the person at the grocery store and see Christ.