It was in a small church in Jesssamine County, Ky that I found Jesus. That was in 2001. Up until then, and we are talking 50 years or so, the entire show had been just that. A show. Interesting, wonderful stories. Perfect for children. Loads of action. Sweet ones, dour ones. But somewhere along the line, my spiritual maturity became stunted (or stopped) and, honestly, all of the stories read like Dick and Jane. See Dick Go. See Jesus make wine. See Jane go. See Mary cry. Nothing got past the outer layer of the skin of me.
Until I walked into that small white church on top of a rise in Jessamine County during Holy Week. They'd set up a little garden inside to represent Gethsemane. A fountain gurgled, there was greenery, I could smell flowers. It was quiet. It was very quiet. I stood alone surrounded by this pretend garden and... went to my knees as Jesus soaked through the pours of my skin and into my marrow. The picture in the picture books because flesh. Words became flesh.
And that meant all this suffering became suffering. I was crushed with pain and sorrow - loss and bewilderment. Frightened to have lost this great man! Oh God, Oh God, WHY? Why have you taken him from me. Jesus, oh WHY did you have to suffer so? Oh my God, he was so afraid!
That was the first time I "sat up with Jesus." Every night after Maunday Thursday, since - I sit up with Jesus. By golly, the disciples were a disappointment that night, and I am most of the time, but for that night, I can not fall asleep and be with him during this hour of suffering.
But what does this all really mean? Hallucination? Creative imagination? Time warp? I don't think it matters. At least it doesn't matter to me. I will BE there. No matter where I am, Jesus, I will BE there with you. You are not alone.
I look at Jesus on that Cross... bloody, his arms stretched too long as they dislocated, his skin with pallor, his chest caved in.
NO! No, this is not some sacrificial lamb that's been roasted for God to smell on High! How demeaning to this most glorious message this man gave us with the ultimate demonstration of his message! NO! No, he was NOT like the goat that was given all the sins each year and then sent out into the desert so we could go on about our business, cleansed again. How cheap is that? Can you really bring yourself to feel this man's life and his death and sum it up to being a sacrificial lamb or goat?
Instead, I see the ultimate message from the most loving man I've ever known.
He tried to speak in parables - people didn't catch it, not even his disciples most of the time. Miracles were not enough! Foot washing was taken the wrong way! Up to the very end, Jesus was still trying to get across his message, and up to the very end there was continued resistance. And so, the Cup could not be taken away. It had to be done, and this wonderful man did it. He showed us with his body, the message of his life.
Come. Look. See. Take away every shred of ego, humble yourself to the point of THIS, let go of ALL control, lose EVERYthing, and then you can Love. Come, Love...
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
That Old Woman
None of this is easy. Just keeping a focus for a day and week after is tricky. I wake up some mornings and am shocked another week has passed! Right now I am in disbelief that Lent is almost over and so is March. Not just "where did it go" but "how did it get away from me" comes to mind. A lot.
The house cleaning and packing, sorting and ALL of those things have begun in earnest. Thank goodness. I love packing a box, knowing it is going with me; part of my future. Some I pack by pitching things in saying "bye, bye" knowing it is my past to be sold or given away. Some goes in storage - to be given away after it is determined that Mt. Tabor is truly the place for me.
But so MUCH! Does everyone have 5 pairs of white trousers? 10 t-shirts to sleep in? I've decided that, in good shape or not, I'm NOT taking all this stuff with me! If I want to save some for the time when clothes wear out, I will pitch it in a storage box and find it in a couple of years to replenish my clothing line.
So, mixing it up, pitching it out, hanging on.
And reading a wonderful book before I fall asleep. I've found it reads best, then. Softly easing my mind and spirit into dreams to hang on too. The Cloud of Unknowing. I've read it before, but the translation was so rough, I honestly didn't finish it. This one is translated by Carmen Butcher and is lovely. And a dream-maker. Can not tell you how many things I've sorted out dreaming them to resolution, but I believe one can, and IF one can, if I can not remember all of them, the exact number is not known.
And so, the other night - the 22nd, actually. I was having somewhat of a pity party because although my Facebook friends were incredible, and a friend from church called me; nothing from my closest friends nor family. My mother didn't even call me. I didn't expect my sons to call, they haven't noted my birth for years. By late night, I had worked very hard at drawing myself down into the darkness of pity as much as I could. Made it just as rough as possible. Made it feel rough, because it WAS rough- so I decided it should feel that way. Even with that, I picked up The Cloud to ease myself into sleep.
She was an old woman. I could tell because she had long grey hair. Of course, I have long grey hair and I don't think of myself as being old, but I decided, she was. Old. She had on a dark blue shirt, a full skirt that came down below her knees. She sat in a straight-backed chair against a wall of windows. There was no carpet on the floor of the large room. Why we were there, I have no idea.
What she said, I have no memory. I do remember the topic. She was very confused. She was emotionally hurting and confused, not sure where she was and not sure where she was going. She felt very alone and didn't know exactly what to do. She wasn't panicked, but she wasn't happy, either. Why she talked to me about this, is a mystery. And I didn't have any magic words of advice for her. Who was I to talk with this old woman about these things? Anything I said would be platitudes.
I'd been squatting in front of her as she talked, and now got up and walked across the room. Someone I couldn't really see whispered to me, "You know she's dead, don't you?"
WHAT?
"She's dead and she doesn't know it."
Looking over my shoulder, the woman sure looked alive to me. I suddenly felt my heart open toward her, fill with words that made sense to me. You know how you feel stupid one moment and the next for reasons unknown to you, inspiration hits? I walked back to the woman and sat on the floor in front of her. Told her that she was loved and valued, just not here. That she needed to let go. And then I broke the news to her that she was dead.
I woke up, then. So, I have no idea how the old woman took the news that she was dead! I stayed in bed a few extra minutes going over this dream, marveling at its detail and also how these things are always filled with the strangest things. Then it was off to start my routine for the day.
It was when I stepped out of the bathroom into my bedroom that it came to me. I was the old woman. My life here was over. I was dead to it, in a way - and yet, my confusion came by my remaining where I no longer belonged. My new life waits for me - where I will be loved and valued. Thank goodness for that old woman visiting me in my dreams. How fascinating to have yourself come to help you in times of need.
The house cleaning and packing, sorting and ALL of those things have begun in earnest. Thank goodness. I love packing a box, knowing it is going with me; part of my future. Some I pack by pitching things in saying "bye, bye" knowing it is my past to be sold or given away. Some goes in storage - to be given away after it is determined that Mt. Tabor is truly the place for me.
But so MUCH! Does everyone have 5 pairs of white trousers? 10 t-shirts to sleep in? I've decided that, in good shape or not, I'm NOT taking all this stuff with me! If I want to save some for the time when clothes wear out, I will pitch it in a storage box and find it in a couple of years to replenish my clothing line.
So, mixing it up, pitching it out, hanging on.
And reading a wonderful book before I fall asleep. I've found it reads best, then. Softly easing my mind and spirit into dreams to hang on too. The Cloud of Unknowing. I've read it before, but the translation was so rough, I honestly didn't finish it. This one is translated by Carmen Butcher and is lovely. And a dream-maker. Can not tell you how many things I've sorted out dreaming them to resolution, but I believe one can, and IF one can, if I can not remember all of them, the exact number is not known.
And so, the other night - the 22nd, actually. I was having somewhat of a pity party because although my Facebook friends were incredible, and a friend from church called me; nothing from my closest friends nor family. My mother didn't even call me. I didn't expect my sons to call, they haven't noted my birth for years. By late night, I had worked very hard at drawing myself down into the darkness of pity as much as I could. Made it just as rough as possible. Made it feel rough, because it WAS rough- so I decided it should feel that way. Even with that, I picked up The Cloud to ease myself into sleep.
She was an old woman. I could tell because she had long grey hair. Of course, I have long grey hair and I don't think of myself as being old, but I decided, she was. Old. She had on a dark blue shirt, a full skirt that came down below her knees. She sat in a straight-backed chair against a wall of windows. There was no carpet on the floor of the large room. Why we were there, I have no idea.
What she said, I have no memory. I do remember the topic. She was very confused. She was emotionally hurting and confused, not sure where she was and not sure where she was going. She felt very alone and didn't know exactly what to do. She wasn't panicked, but she wasn't happy, either. Why she talked to me about this, is a mystery. And I didn't have any magic words of advice for her. Who was I to talk with this old woman about these things? Anything I said would be platitudes.
I'd been squatting in front of her as she talked, and now got up and walked across the room. Someone I couldn't really see whispered to me, "You know she's dead, don't you?"
WHAT?
"She's dead and she doesn't know it."
Looking over my shoulder, the woman sure looked alive to me. I suddenly felt my heart open toward her, fill with words that made sense to me. You know how you feel stupid one moment and the next for reasons unknown to you, inspiration hits? I walked back to the woman and sat on the floor in front of her. Told her that she was loved and valued, just not here. That she needed to let go. And then I broke the news to her that she was dead.
I woke up, then. So, I have no idea how the old woman took the news that she was dead! I stayed in bed a few extra minutes going over this dream, marveling at its detail and also how these things are always filled with the strangest things. Then it was off to start my routine for the day.
It was when I stepped out of the bathroom into my bedroom that it came to me. I was the old woman. My life here was over. I was dead to it, in a way - and yet, my confusion came by my remaining where I no longer belonged. My new life waits for me - where I will be loved and valued. Thank goodness for that old woman visiting me in my dreams. How fascinating to have yourself come to help you in times of need.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Today Heads Into Tomorrow
The tension has broken and I know Dad is sleeping well, tonight. Dr. Horn explained that he indeed had an abnormal reading in one of his blood tests that indicated Leukemia - BUT - it was within a range, that he had seen normally for a man Dad's age. Sometimes positives are not positives, they are maybes, or sort ofs, or no-thing. He had Dad repeat the test again today, and he is to return every six months, so he can keep an eye on the values. Perhaps it is a case where if Dad lives to be 110, the changes will be enough to be Leukemia. I didn't ask since it didn't matter. What mattered was that Dad is okay and can now go on with his life; blessedly unchanged.
And so today heads into tomorrow and I am thankful for it.
And so today heads into tomorrow and I am thankful for it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Today Is Another Day Which Means It's Special
I take my Dad to the doctor, today. Dad is 86 years old. Hard for me to believe he got older than 50, but since I would now be older than him, its time for me to face reality. I've always gotten his age incorrect. Always made him younger. Surely, this is my attempt to keep him ageless, to have him stay "my Dad," as I was growing up.
Today I take him to the doctor and we are all nervous about it. Last week he was told he needed to see a specialist; a hemotology oncologist. Dad wasn't told what sort of specialist the doctor was, but he looked him up in the phone book. I'd already checked him out on the internet, and was thankful my parents were technologically challenged. I forgot about the phone book. Mom called to complain that they had to wait an entire week in such misery at what the doctor might say.
Isn't this what so many women go through every day waiting for the results of their mammograms? I can't tell you how many of my friends have told me they had a questionable mammogram and were scheduled for more intense testing. But the tests were scheduled a week or two weeks away. Now, my parents, who have never had such stress in their life - must wait. Not knowing, but conjuring the worse. Like women looking at their breast wondering if their life is about to change forever.
Dad says he won't have chemo treatment, that's how much he's conjured. I must admit, I am prepared for the doctor to talk about running tests for leukemia. But we can't know until we walk into that office this afternoon. We can worry, or conjure, or refuse our nightmares, but in reality, the words will not come until this afternoon.
What a surprise it is to me that I feel as calm as I do. I've often wondered how I would feel when death struck close - very close to home. I've been blessed with being invited to share in the dying process with friends. It was tough. It was more than tough. But my Mom or Dad? Since finding my heart's love in God of this Universe, I have found such a faith that it surprises me time and again. So far, this week at least, this faith has kept me on a steady path. I can't know if that will remain intact. No one knows what is intact this moment will be there the next. We have faith that it will.
I have faith each day that waking is special. That each day is special. And today is another day.
Today I take him to the doctor and we are all nervous about it. Last week he was told he needed to see a specialist; a hemotology oncologist. Dad wasn't told what sort of specialist the doctor was, but he looked him up in the phone book. I'd already checked him out on the internet, and was thankful my parents were technologically challenged. I forgot about the phone book. Mom called to complain that they had to wait an entire week in such misery at what the doctor might say.
Isn't this what so many women go through every day waiting for the results of their mammograms? I can't tell you how many of my friends have told me they had a questionable mammogram and were scheduled for more intense testing. But the tests were scheduled a week or two weeks away. Now, my parents, who have never had such stress in their life - must wait. Not knowing, but conjuring the worse. Like women looking at their breast wondering if their life is about to change forever.
Dad says he won't have chemo treatment, that's how much he's conjured. I must admit, I am prepared for the doctor to talk about running tests for leukemia. But we can't know until we walk into that office this afternoon. We can worry, or conjure, or refuse our nightmares, but in reality, the words will not come until this afternoon.
What a surprise it is to me that I feel as calm as I do. I've often wondered how I would feel when death struck close - very close to home. I've been blessed with being invited to share in the dying process with friends. It was tough. It was more than tough. But my Mom or Dad? Since finding my heart's love in God of this Universe, I have found such a faith that it surprises me time and again. So far, this week at least, this faith has kept me on a steady path. I can't know if that will remain intact. No one knows what is intact this moment will be there the next. We have faith that it will.
I have faith each day that waking is special. That each day is special. And today is another day.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Denial Is A Lot Of Nothing About Everything
Leave it to me to add in my second post that all this sorting, packing, cleaning, organizing comes at a price. I have degenerative disc disease, and so I really can't do much, if any of this. Oh, I can sit for a while and pitch a few things in a box. Great. And let me tell you, it has taken me a long time to be able to say that out loud.
A little over a year ago,my Mother gave me as a Christmas present, a few hours of housecleaning from her housecleaner. By the time I helped the housecleaner, I was on bedrest for a month. My first headknocking realization that I was NOT in control.
One can think they can pull denial and make it work - just think yourself out of it, push past it, no pain-no gain, right up to the point you fall to the floor. I promise you, denial is a lot of nothing about everything. All those thoughts are nothing thoughts! Make no sense at all. Where did we come up with this type of thinking in this country? Where is the balance and respect for our physical and mental health? We treat our bodies like we do our bank accounts!
And so, the house must get done, and I am on this journey to the mountain in more than one way. To humble myself and allow others to come in and see my mess, help me sort through my life things, tote my expressions through the rooms while I sit in my chair or while in bed on a heating pad. UGH!
It's alot about everything!
A little over a year ago,my Mother gave me as a Christmas present, a few hours of housecleaning from her housecleaner. By the time I helped the housecleaner, I was on bedrest for a month. My first headknocking realization that I was NOT in control.
One can think they can pull denial and make it work - just think yourself out of it, push past it, no pain-no gain, right up to the point you fall to the floor. I promise you, denial is a lot of nothing about everything. All those thoughts are nothing thoughts! Make no sense at all. Where did we come up with this type of thinking in this country? Where is the balance and respect for our physical and mental health? We treat our bodies like we do our bank accounts!
And so, the house must get done, and I am on this journey to the mountain in more than one way. To humble myself and allow others to come in and see my mess, help me sort through my life things, tote my expressions through the rooms while I sit in my chair or while in bed on a heating pad. UGH!
It's alot about everything!
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