Has it been a year, already? Well, almost - end of the month makes it official! Time at the monastery is even more elusive as it was out in that world! Is it because I am no longer punching a time clock? Could it be that I am not glued to the TV? My best guess is that I have - to some extent - beCOME content with living the moment. I've found that when you do that - time as perceived out there in that world takes on a new form. Time is just now and those nows add up to major time.... except you don't notice and most of all, you no longer care.
This may sound a little fuzzy, or strange, or something you can't relate to at all? I know when I met a monk at that place I can's spell at the moment - near Bardstown (Thomas Merton's monastery), Br. Paul was asked by someone in my group how long he'd been there...and he really didnt have a good idea of how long. It would have taken quite a bit of mathematics. It was certainly not an automatic number that popped up in his mind. Now, I can understand that better. When you live in a place where time is based on prayer-times it tends to become the backbone of your life and nothing much catches your time attention. Of course, I have to head to my volunteer work at a certain time - had a class in Frankfort this past weekend. Life in the monastery does not mean that life on the outside no longer exists - at least not where I reside. However, there is a new sense of ease about this whole time thing. You just let it pass for the moment and don't bother to add it up and make that a part of your life's inventory.
So, what great change has come over me this past year? Not much - and a great deal. I continue to be happy each day - count up those number of days of happiness and surely you would determine that change has come in various ways. I have grown closer to God - which was my intention. I continue and will continue to strive for such a relationship. That is why I breathe...
Recently, I was struck by a realization, which when it came to me, it was actually so simple in nature I was also hit by the way I had made it so complicated that it was me all along that had stood in the way of deeper happiness and a closer relationship with God. After all this rambling, I best let you in on it.
I have felt, at times, so close to nature. Particularly trees. Okay, sounds odd, but hang with me. I felt as if we were kindred, yet at times I was separate from them. When close to them, it was a feeling of joy, peace, wholeness, love. When not attuned, I yearned for the closeness to return. So, a lot of prayer time and reflection was spent on re-gaining that relationship. The other day - out of the blue - I realized that I AM a part of those trees - and they are of me. Just that simple! And so, I do not have to ASK or PRAY or BEG for a relationship. It is always there. It never began and it nevers stops. I feel much more settled now that I not only understand this on an intellectual level, but also feel it inside my bones.
And so yes, there has been a great change in me - but I doubt if you saw me walk down the street if you'd notice.
