I have no idea. The only thing I know after taking a 10 week inventory, is that this is truly a process of loss and gain, dying and learning to live anew. How do you put that down on paper, or chit chat about that over afternoon tea?
My heart is filled in happiness - but more importantly, when those moments when it is not, I know deeply, that it is ok. This is a safe place. God is here, where no other place is for ME. Of course - God is everywhere in everything. I have always known that, and know that. However, for me, it does not mean I can see or hear God. Those glimpses from the side, those whispers just caught -- are not where I came from; not very often. At least not as easily gained. And I felt alone in the middle of the crowd. There was a stranger in the midst of the laughter. Not to be confused with a sad lonely stranger, but a stranger I was. Have always been. I love people. I enjoy people. I laugh - inside and out. But how can you feel truly at home when there is another world that can not be shared on any level with anyone? That is why I left everything. It was now or not to be. Was I going to see if I was brave enough to leave conformity (where I'd failed, but was at least liked and found to be entertaining most of the time), or would I do what I had done all of my life - over half a century and follow along; attempting to be like everyone else
I left a life behind in search of another. That is what I got. And, as I continue to discover the dying and living it takes to embrace it, I am.... finally discovering what God made.
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