This is me coming at ya! The monastery does not have a lot of restrictions regarding Christian beliefs - just that you believe in the life and ministry of Jesus. This should be obvious! They understand this means it is a highly personal relatioship; giving much latitude to the "ways" and "means" of private worship and "belief."
So, this is me coming at ya! Recently, a friend talked about not feeling the need to worship in a church. I emailed her back - talking about the ancient Christian establishment and how important it was to have community... and for most people that means church life. Worshiping together as The Body of Christ. Sounds nice, doesn't it? And, do not get me wrong - I think it IS very nice. Thing is, I really do not think it is neccessary - at all. Not even a little bit. For many people, it is necessary as we are social creatures and the added benefit of worship in a group setting is valuable. But - really - DOES this bring you closer to God? I stressed to my friend that living the life we are called to live includes living near and working with people we also do not like tremendously. And, how - if one is apart from a group, how DO you learn to love that neighbor --- if you don't have them? I still hang on that one. But, I do think that the "neighbor" is everywhere.
I happen to like attending church - because it has become a "thin place" for me. It is also apparaent that it is NOT a "thin place" for others. I have this feeling that the push for everyone to attend church (or feel guilty as all heck) is a bid to pay the electric bill! And, if the church is to keep its doors open - the electric bill DOES need to be paid.
Another point to consider is that some people need more structure than others. If they didn't sit in the pew every Sunday, they might well forget that God "is" at all! However, I also don't think that pew-sitting lends a lot to these people - the ones content on chucking a can of green beans in the plastic blue bin on the way into the sanctuary and calling that ministry! A lot of those. At the same time, I am not saying MUCH about this, since it surely isnt up to me to go that "good" and "bad" route.
In a nutshell - church can feed many; the masses. Is it neccesary? Not one whit! And so, the only restriction in "being a Christian" is to live as Jesus did. Afterall, the word Christian comes from the Greek meaning "little Christ." Next time you mention that you are a Christian, if you have trouble saying "I am a little Christ," perhaps you should avail yourself to the learning opportunitites and the group worship that churches can offer. Like AA or NA - these institutions can help you find that "thin space" where little christs are remembered - again.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A Year Of Change
Has it been a year, already? Well, almost - end of the month makes it official! Time at the monastery is even more elusive as it was out in that world! Is it because I am no longer punching a time clock? Could it be that I am not glued to the TV? My best guess is that I have - to some extent - beCOME content with living the moment. I've found that when you do that - time as perceived out there in that world takes on a new form. Time is just now and those nows add up to major time.... except you don't notice and most of all, you no longer care.
This may sound a little fuzzy, or strange, or something you can't relate to at all? I know when I met a monk at that place I can's spell at the moment - near Bardstown (Thomas Merton's monastery), Br. Paul was asked by someone in my group how long he'd been there...and he really didnt have a good idea of how long. It would have taken quite a bit of mathematics. It was certainly not an automatic number that popped up in his mind. Now, I can understand that better. When you live in a place where time is based on prayer-times it tends to become the backbone of your life and nothing much catches your time attention. Of course, I have to head to my volunteer work at a certain time - had a class in Frankfort this past weekend. Life in the monastery does not mean that life on the outside no longer exists - at least not where I reside. However, there is a new sense of ease about this whole time thing. You just let it pass for the moment and don't bother to add it up and make that a part of your life's inventory.
So, what great change has come over me this past year? Not much - and a great deal. I continue to be happy each day - count up those number of days of happiness and surely you would determine that change has come in various ways. I have grown closer to God - which was my intention. I continue and will continue to strive for such a relationship. That is why I breathe...
Recently, I was struck by a realization, which when it came to me, it was actually so simple in nature I was also hit by the way I had made it so complicated that it was me all along that had stood in the way of deeper happiness and a closer relationship with God. After all this rambling, I best let you in on it.
I have felt, at times, so close to nature. Particularly trees. Okay, sounds odd, but hang with me. I felt as if we were kindred, yet at times I was separate from them. When close to them, it was a feeling of joy, peace, wholeness, love. When not attuned, I yearned for the closeness to return. So, a lot of prayer time and reflection was spent on re-gaining that relationship. The other day - out of the blue - I realized that I AM a part of those trees - and they are of me. Just that simple! And so, I do not have to ASK or PRAY or BEG for a relationship. It is always there. It never began and it nevers stops. I feel much more settled now that I not only understand this on an intellectual level, but also feel it inside my bones.
And so yes, there has been a great change in me - but I doubt if you saw me walk down the street if you'd notice.
This may sound a little fuzzy, or strange, or something you can't relate to at all? I know when I met a monk at that place I can's spell at the moment - near Bardstown (Thomas Merton's monastery), Br. Paul was asked by someone in my group how long he'd been there...and he really didnt have a good idea of how long. It would have taken quite a bit of mathematics. It was certainly not an automatic number that popped up in his mind. Now, I can understand that better. When you live in a place where time is based on prayer-times it tends to become the backbone of your life and nothing much catches your time attention. Of course, I have to head to my volunteer work at a certain time - had a class in Frankfort this past weekend. Life in the monastery does not mean that life on the outside no longer exists - at least not where I reside. However, there is a new sense of ease about this whole time thing. You just let it pass for the moment and don't bother to add it up and make that a part of your life's inventory.
So, what great change has come over me this past year? Not much - and a great deal. I continue to be happy each day - count up those number of days of happiness and surely you would determine that change has come in various ways. I have grown closer to God - which was my intention. I continue and will continue to strive for such a relationship. That is why I breathe...
Recently, I was struck by a realization, which when it came to me, it was actually so simple in nature I was also hit by the way I had made it so complicated that it was me all along that had stood in the way of deeper happiness and a closer relationship with God. After all this rambling, I best let you in on it.
I have felt, at times, so close to nature. Particularly trees. Okay, sounds odd, but hang with me. I felt as if we were kindred, yet at times I was separate from them. When close to them, it was a feeling of joy, peace, wholeness, love. When not attuned, I yearned for the closeness to return. So, a lot of prayer time and reflection was spent on re-gaining that relationship. The other day - out of the blue - I realized that I AM a part of those trees - and they are of me. Just that simple! And so, I do not have to ASK or PRAY or BEG for a relationship. It is always there. It never began and it nevers stops. I feel much more settled now that I not only understand this on an intellectual level, but also feel it inside my bones.
And so yes, there has been a great change in me - but I doubt if you saw me walk down the street if you'd notice.
Monday, March 21, 2011
St. Benendict's Feast Day
We like Feast Days on the mountain -- it means we can skip Compline and go to bed if we are really tired! Sounds odd, doesn't it? But, as humans, we also get tired and would rather hit the hay than the prayer book. It is a nice break. I, and am sure others - like me - pray Compline in our rooms. We also have a special meal - which is a real treat during Lent! I had no idea that my birthday was one day after St. Benedict's Feast Day. Yes - you guessed it! This means two days in a row of having a special meal and no Compline! I have a class on Tuesday nights with the Postulant Mistress - and she asked if we could move it this week to Thursday...to give me an evening free to celebrate my birthday. It is small things like this that you find here on the moutain. People trying to be thoughtful.
Back to St. Benedict! The major reason I was drawn to St. Benedicts Rule was the amount of balance and fairness to humanity I found, there. This man was a remarkable character so far beyond his time. There were monastic communities during his lifetime, but they were rough and many times called for the members to live a life full of misery. This was not the intention of St. Benedict, who saw us all as being very human, as God made us. Therefore, we needed adequate shelter, food, and rest. If you read the Rule (version by Joan Chittister is my favorite),you will find time and again that St. Benedict states a rule and then turns around and says, "unless..... ." He made the Rule to be flexible according to the community, weather conditions, and even the different times of the year when daylight and darkness changed the rythmn of the day.
I could give you a history of St. Benedict, but that is easily Goggled, and so will not spend time here going through all of it. Let me add, however, that this remarkable man lived from the late 400s to the mid-500s. It is remarkable that his Rule continues strong today, but not surprising. I ask you to read it - as it is useful for any lifestyle, and was written NOT for clergy, but for the layperson. Joan's edition - with commentary will help you understand how to use it as a life rule in your home. I assume that most peope reading this are not monastics - HA!
One bit of information (true or not since there is very little about his life) that has always struck me in the heart. I quote a reference here: "We see him with his monks in the church, at their reading, sometimes in the fields, but more commonly in his cell, where frequent messengers find him "weeping silently in his prayers", and in the night hours standing at "the window of his cell in the tower, offering up his prayers to God"
Weeping. Why? For the giveness of others? For forgiveness of himself? For the pain and misery that surrounded him in his world? For not being able to lead all of his followers to God in the way he had intended? OR was he weeping FOR us? WITH us?
Back to St. Benedict! The major reason I was drawn to St. Benedicts Rule was the amount of balance and fairness to humanity I found, there. This man was a remarkable character so far beyond his time. There were monastic communities during his lifetime, but they were rough and many times called for the members to live a life full of misery. This was not the intention of St. Benedict, who saw us all as being very human, as God made us. Therefore, we needed adequate shelter, food, and rest. If you read the Rule (version by Joan Chittister is my favorite),you will find time and again that St. Benedict states a rule and then turns around and says, "unless..... ." He made the Rule to be flexible according to the community, weather conditions, and even the different times of the year when daylight and darkness changed the rythmn of the day.
I could give you a history of St. Benedict, but that is easily Goggled, and so will not spend time here going through all of it. Let me add, however, that this remarkable man lived from the late 400s to the mid-500s. It is remarkable that his Rule continues strong today, but not surprising. I ask you to read it - as it is useful for any lifestyle, and was written NOT for clergy, but for the layperson. Joan's edition - with commentary will help you understand how to use it as a life rule in your home. I assume that most peope reading this are not monastics - HA!
One bit of information (true or not since there is very little about his life) that has always struck me in the heart. I quote a reference here: "We see him with his monks in the church, at their reading, sometimes in the fields, but more commonly in his cell, where frequent messengers find him "weeping silently in his prayers", and in the night hours standing at "the window of his cell in the tower, offering up his prayers to God"
Weeping. Why? For the giveness of others? For forgiveness of himself? For the pain and misery that surrounded him in his world? For not being able to lead all of his followers to God in the way he had intended? OR was he weeping FOR us? WITH us?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Life of a Postulant
Not that MY life as a postulant is typical... however, from what I've heard, it could come very close.
As a Protestant, I know that others may not have a clue what it is like to be in a monastery. Try reading some of early Thomas Merton! Now... that might help to clear up a few things that I am trying to explain, here! No, of course -- not that all wise and holy stuff! I have a LONG way before getting there! But, the times when he writes of the difficulty in monastery life. It is NOT easy! At least where I live, we are not a silent Order, and therefore there is not as much passive-aggressive behavior going on! Imagine being really ticked off at someone and you can't even SAY anything!
For those of you that have lived in a large family, you might have a closer idea. All is NOT roses and light. Good thing I did not enter into the monastery believing it would be! In my monastery, there are nine of us. That makes 9 different personalities to handle and respect. Turns out, some are a wee bit easier to handle and respect than others! And, of course, how normal is that? As I am learning in my postulant class, it is truly HOW we come to deal with each, learn to deeply love and respect each other no matter how wounded we may be, determines how successful we are in our spiritual life. The monastery is NOT a place where you hide and pray all day. On the contrary, it is a place where you know you are never REALLY alone, because even in your private room, there is someone right on the other side of the wall.
And so, some days are easier than others. All days are worth it, let me tell you that straight up. Every one is SUPPOSED to have the same goal; to love and respect each other. That means, even when someone gives you a big kick in the self esteem, they hopefully will see that behavior (if not today, then in time) and grow from that, as well. In the kicked, it is a matter of seeing the other person as wounded and reaching out to understand them. Have you ever had your self esteem pummeled and then looked at that person as wounded; in need of understanding?
You may be getting my drift..... life in a monastery is not easy. It is not an escape from the world. It IS a place where the environment is looking toward love and understanding as best as each can muster. It is a place where God is the center. It is a place where personal spiritual growth is encouraged. We are NOT meant to become the same person. Thank goodness for that! It wouldnt work, anyway! Because God has made us differently; we would playing God to attempt to seek the person we expected us to be, rather than the person God made with love.
But - who is that? It is during the time of postulancy that I get to ponder that like never before. It will be a search that will never end. It is a journey that I embrace and, at times, wish I wasn't intent on embracing!
As a Protestant, I know that others may not have a clue what it is like to be in a monastery. Try reading some of early Thomas Merton! Now... that might help to clear up a few things that I am trying to explain, here! No, of course -- not that all wise and holy stuff! I have a LONG way before getting there! But, the times when he writes of the difficulty in monastery life. It is NOT easy! At least where I live, we are not a silent Order, and therefore there is not as much passive-aggressive behavior going on! Imagine being really ticked off at someone and you can't even SAY anything!
For those of you that have lived in a large family, you might have a closer idea. All is NOT roses and light. Good thing I did not enter into the monastery believing it would be! In my monastery, there are nine of us. That makes 9 different personalities to handle and respect. Turns out, some are a wee bit easier to handle and respect than others! And, of course, how normal is that? As I am learning in my postulant class, it is truly HOW we come to deal with each, learn to deeply love and respect each other no matter how wounded we may be, determines how successful we are in our spiritual life. The monastery is NOT a place where you hide and pray all day. On the contrary, it is a place where you know you are never REALLY alone, because even in your private room, there is someone right on the other side of the wall.
And so, some days are easier than others. All days are worth it, let me tell you that straight up. Every one is SUPPOSED to have the same goal; to love and respect each other. That means, even when someone gives you a big kick in the self esteem, they hopefully will see that behavior (if not today, then in time) and grow from that, as well. In the kicked, it is a matter of seeing the other person as wounded and reaching out to understand them. Have you ever had your self esteem pummeled and then looked at that person as wounded; in need of understanding?
You may be getting my drift..... life in a monastery is not easy. It is not an escape from the world. It IS a place where the environment is looking toward love and understanding as best as each can muster. It is a place where God is the center. It is a place where personal spiritual growth is encouraged. We are NOT meant to become the same person. Thank goodness for that! It wouldnt work, anyway! Because God has made us differently; we would playing God to attempt to seek the person we expected us to be, rather than the person God made with love.
But - who is that? It is during the time of postulancy that I get to ponder that like never before. It will be a search that will never end. It is a journey that I embrace and, at times, wish I wasn't intent on embracing!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Postulant Time!
After eight months, I transitioned from a Wannabe to a Postulant. In case I have not explained these titles (and there are more to come), let me go over them in a way that helps most Protestants. Being one of them - I know this helped me a lot.
Wannabe - Official title is Associate. You think she(he) looks really cute from across the room.... and wonder if there could be "something there."
Postulant - She(he) sure enough has turned out to be a really nice person. The feeling is mutual and so now you are dating. Let's see if there is something there that will lead to a whole change in your life!
Novice - It's getting a lot more serious - you are now engaged!!!
First Profession - Congrats! You are in your honeymoon period!...
Final Profession - WoW! You are happily married! Now, you works BEGINS! As with all long term relationships, it takes constant and committed work.
Hopefully, this gives you a better idea of where I am, and what is ahead. I know - most of us are into time, time,time - so let me tell you now, that I have no idea when I will transition from Postulant to Novice. It can take several months, a year and some have been known to take two years. I have a feeling that the two year ones had some REAL doubts, but who knows. The Associate time was one where I checked 'em out while they were doing the same with me. Could I "cut the mustard?" Was I able to "fit in" to a schedule, all those different personalities, and although never mentioned -- was I gonna freak out when the snow piled up and it got cold as an ice cube around here! In other words, and as Sr. Kathleen said during my Postulancy Service - Perserverance. And, I can tell you - it was one! So much to learn (it takes six months to find everything in that huge kitchen!), getting into the routine of making it to prayers, cooking for 10 to 18 people, dragging laundry to other buildings, keeping you mouth shut when you hear another saying something you think is really stupid! LOL Not getting ticked off when the one you share kitchen clean-up pretends they are allergic to the drying towel.
Yes, the monastery is filled with people you meet everywhere. The difference is that you have a place where everyone is actively trying to be the best they can be. Imagine it as a marriage where both partners are working at making it work out for the very best of each other - every day! Woo-Hoo - wouldnt that be something!
During my time as Postulant, I move into the Resident Hall and so here come more changes. How well do I adjust? This is something that will be observed. How well can I keep to the house rules (sorry, room parties are now a thing of the past!), and how many times can I make it inside without slamming the door? I imagine it will also be how I can work out sharing the bathroom with the Novice that shares it with me. Since I've already been cooking and sharing laundry days, and doing assigned choirs, this is something that I will not have to adjust too. Last summer, I think they knew that I was going to stick it out, so they added these areas right away... and that also helped them lessen their load. It now means I have that much less of an adjustment, now.
I meet once a month with the Postulant Director. She helps to guide me through this transition period. Monday, as we met, she reached out to let me know I can ask her questions any time. This is a good thing since this place does NOT come with a manual! She gave me the info about the Resident Hall being a quiet place - there will not even be other Sisters or Postulants or Novices stopping in for conversation, there. It is a place where we all know we can find a private and quiet area. Since the monastery is full people that are into projects, talking about any number of things, and Retreatants sharing their stories - to have a place of sanctuary outside of Chapel, sounds wonderful to me.
The room is also whatever you wnat to make of it. I painted the 10x11 foot room with the slightest lightest share of lavendar - and one wall several shades darker. Anyone who knows me, knows I am into PURPLE! I have brightly colored sheers with wild patterns on them (East Indian designs) and a lamp that is more than retro! I painted the woodwork stark white. My bed will be delivered SOMEtime, soon. We are waiting on that, since I obviously can not sleep on the floor!
Another change - budgeting to see how much I spend a month! Yuk! But, it is necessary, since the day will come when I will have $50/month to live on. Before you faint, or think I will be wearing rags wrapped around my feet through the deep snow - this $50 is personal spending while the monastery takes care of all other expences. Still, you can imagine, it could be a ...how should I put this -- ah, adjustment! I must admit that when Sr. Eileen told me about this, my first thought was CARE PACKAGES FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS! LOL
Hopefully, I have answered a lot of the usual questions. I know my friends have asked for more information.
And, how do I FEEL? I feel "different," from last Friday to last Saturday. I was surprised, since my thinking the entire time was that I did not care about these titles. I was (and am) just thankful to be here - in a place where I can grow closer to God. But, I DID feel different. After some introspection, I realized that - as with any ceremony, it DOES change your feelings. It is a public announcement of what you care about - what is important inside your heart. How could I have felt any differently?
Wannabe - Official title is Associate. You think she(he) looks really cute from across the room.... and wonder if there could be "something there."
Postulant - She(he) sure enough has turned out to be a really nice person. The feeling is mutual and so now you are dating. Let's see if there is something there that will lead to a whole change in your life!
Novice - It's getting a lot more serious - you are now engaged!!!
First Profession - Congrats! You are in your honeymoon period!...
Final Profession - WoW! You are happily married! Now, you works BEGINS! As with all long term relationships, it takes constant and committed work.
Hopefully, this gives you a better idea of where I am, and what is ahead. I know - most of us are into time, time,time - so let me tell you now, that I have no idea when I will transition from Postulant to Novice. It can take several months, a year and some have been known to take two years. I have a feeling that the two year ones had some REAL doubts, but who knows. The Associate time was one where I checked 'em out while they were doing the same with me. Could I "cut the mustard?" Was I able to "fit in" to a schedule, all those different personalities, and although never mentioned -- was I gonna freak out when the snow piled up and it got cold as an ice cube around here! In other words, and as Sr. Kathleen said during my Postulancy Service - Perserverance. And, I can tell you - it was one! So much to learn (it takes six months to find everything in that huge kitchen!), getting into the routine of making it to prayers, cooking for 10 to 18 people, dragging laundry to other buildings, keeping you mouth shut when you hear another saying something you think is really stupid! LOL Not getting ticked off when the one you share kitchen clean-up pretends they are allergic to the drying towel.
Yes, the monastery is filled with people you meet everywhere. The difference is that you have a place where everyone is actively trying to be the best they can be. Imagine it as a marriage where both partners are working at making it work out for the very best of each other - every day! Woo-Hoo - wouldnt that be something!
During my time as Postulant, I move into the Resident Hall and so here come more changes. How well do I adjust? This is something that will be observed. How well can I keep to the house rules (sorry, room parties are now a thing of the past!), and how many times can I make it inside without slamming the door? I imagine it will also be how I can work out sharing the bathroom with the Novice that shares it with me. Since I've already been cooking and sharing laundry days, and doing assigned choirs, this is something that I will not have to adjust too. Last summer, I think they knew that I was going to stick it out, so they added these areas right away... and that also helped them lessen their load. It now means I have that much less of an adjustment, now.
I meet once a month with the Postulant Director. She helps to guide me through this transition period. Monday, as we met, she reached out to let me know I can ask her questions any time. This is a good thing since this place does NOT come with a manual! She gave me the info about the Resident Hall being a quiet place - there will not even be other Sisters or Postulants or Novices stopping in for conversation, there. It is a place where we all know we can find a private and quiet area. Since the monastery is full people that are into projects, talking about any number of things, and Retreatants sharing their stories - to have a place of sanctuary outside of Chapel, sounds wonderful to me.
The room is also whatever you wnat to make of it. I painted the 10x11 foot room with the slightest lightest share of lavendar - and one wall several shades darker. Anyone who knows me, knows I am into PURPLE! I have brightly colored sheers with wild patterns on them (East Indian designs) and a lamp that is more than retro! I painted the woodwork stark white. My bed will be delivered SOMEtime, soon. We are waiting on that, since I obviously can not sleep on the floor!
Another change - budgeting to see how much I spend a month! Yuk! But, it is necessary, since the day will come when I will have $50/month to live on. Before you faint, or think I will be wearing rags wrapped around my feet through the deep snow - this $50 is personal spending while the monastery takes care of all other expences. Still, you can imagine, it could be a ...how should I put this -- ah, adjustment! I must admit that when Sr. Eileen told me about this, my first thought was CARE PACKAGES FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS! LOL
Hopefully, I have answered a lot of the usual questions. I know my friends have asked for more information.
And, how do I FEEL? I feel "different," from last Friday to last Saturday. I was surprised, since my thinking the entire time was that I did not care about these titles. I was (and am) just thankful to be here - in a place where I can grow closer to God. But, I DID feel different. After some introspection, I realized that - as with any ceremony, it DOES change your feelings. It is a public announcement of what you care about - what is important inside your heart. How could I have felt any differently?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Oh! Holy Mountain
I'm still not writing about what it is like to be on that mountain, am I? What it is like to being a Nun wannabe... and what the process is like.
I guess there are so many subtleties that it makes it trickier than one would think to "describe" it. Try describing "my church" to someone and see how far you get! LOL... well, I am going to give it a try and see how rambling and vague I become!
I am not filing for postulancy, now.... I will in the future, and although I've been given the paperwork to fill out, there is now a drawback. I'm going to have major surgery and the bottom line is that I have to recover enough to care for myself before the Community can even consider me as a candidate. This has been hard on me in some ways, since as a dreamer, I would have liked for them to say "HEY, we LOVE you! Sign up and we will pray for you to get better and wait for your return from rehab to welcome you home." As it turns out, they will pray and wait, but not for a postulant... just a wannabe.
The reasons are obvious - the Community can not accept me until I demonstrate that I am physically able to be an active member of that Community; like any other. And right now, all energy is going to support Sr. Carolyn and ourselves as we all walk this journey of cancer with her.
Doesn't mean that I am not disappointed and a little scared that I won't be able to cut it.
My prayer life has become the backbone of my life. The chanting, the prayers, the Compline before bed each night. It is as if (and surely it does) replenish my energy. I will miss that while I am gone. I don't know when the surgery will be, but that's what I mean when I say I will be gone. OH! Holy Mountain, I have come to need your healing grace.
Not that everyone here is ready for Sainthood. LOL - there is one that has not agreed with a single idea I've had since I arrived. She is nice enough, but its like no one can have an idea without her taking exception to it. Although I could well be taking THAT too far.... it could be that we are on different poles and she only disagrees with MY ideas.
The latest has been over mice - and getting rid of them from St. Joseph's House (where I live). As dreaded, when cold weather came, so did the mice. I've gotten hold of some humane traps, and until last night, they were too smart for them! They figured out a way to eat the cheese and not be trapped, or at least they were escaping the trap. The sentiment was that I HAD to stop feeding those mice and there was a better way to get rid of them. I flatly informed everyone that I was NOT going to snap a mouse's neck because she/he sought refuge from the cold. I can not IMAGINE what that would be like! And I dont want to see it so that I had a mental picture of it! I plan to track down some larger and more sophisticated traps. One stupid mouse didn't make it out last night, but that's not a good record! I know they are pricey, those larger ones - but at this point, I have to cough it up or there will be snapped mouse necks!
And so, don't think for a minute that all is light and roses and prayers and angels on the Mountain. Someone told me that a religious goes into the monastery with their personality and there they keep it (have I mentioned that before?). I'd like to think that was a general generalization since I have already seen a great change in one of the Novices just since I've been here. And, I pray that I will change in any way that will serve others and myself to the best in this world.
But, first I have to leave this Holy Mountain - have surgery - get better - and return.
I guess there are so many subtleties that it makes it trickier than one would think to "describe" it. Try describing "my church" to someone and see how far you get! LOL... well, I am going to give it a try and see how rambling and vague I become!
I am not filing for postulancy, now.... I will in the future, and although I've been given the paperwork to fill out, there is now a drawback. I'm going to have major surgery and the bottom line is that I have to recover enough to care for myself before the Community can even consider me as a candidate. This has been hard on me in some ways, since as a dreamer, I would have liked for them to say "HEY, we LOVE you! Sign up and we will pray for you to get better and wait for your return from rehab to welcome you home." As it turns out, they will pray and wait, but not for a postulant... just a wannabe.
The reasons are obvious - the Community can not accept me until I demonstrate that I am physically able to be an active member of that Community; like any other. And right now, all energy is going to support Sr. Carolyn and ourselves as we all walk this journey of cancer with her.
Doesn't mean that I am not disappointed and a little scared that I won't be able to cut it.
My prayer life has become the backbone of my life. The chanting, the prayers, the Compline before bed each night. It is as if (and surely it does) replenish my energy. I will miss that while I am gone. I don't know when the surgery will be, but that's what I mean when I say I will be gone. OH! Holy Mountain, I have come to need your healing grace.
Not that everyone here is ready for Sainthood. LOL - there is one that has not agreed with a single idea I've had since I arrived. She is nice enough, but its like no one can have an idea without her taking exception to it. Although I could well be taking THAT too far.... it could be that we are on different poles and she only disagrees with MY ideas.
The latest has been over mice - and getting rid of them from St. Joseph's House (where I live). As dreaded, when cold weather came, so did the mice. I've gotten hold of some humane traps, and until last night, they were too smart for them! They figured out a way to eat the cheese and not be trapped, or at least they were escaping the trap. The sentiment was that I HAD to stop feeding those mice and there was a better way to get rid of them. I flatly informed everyone that I was NOT going to snap a mouse's neck because she/he sought refuge from the cold. I can not IMAGINE what that would be like! And I dont want to see it so that I had a mental picture of it! I plan to track down some larger and more sophisticated traps. One stupid mouse didn't make it out last night, but that's not a good record! I know they are pricey, those larger ones - but at this point, I have to cough it up or there will be snapped mouse necks!
And so, don't think for a minute that all is light and roses and prayers and angels on the Mountain. Someone told me that a religious goes into the monastery with their personality and there they keep it (have I mentioned that before?). I'd like to think that was a general generalization since I have already seen a great change in one of the Novices just since I've been here. And, I pray that I will change in any way that will serve others and myself to the best in this world.
But, first I have to leave this Holy Mountain - have surgery - get better - and return.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Holidays & Holy Days
As usual, a lot has been going on. Looks like I had to head to a monastery to find my days so full. AND, I've put more miles on my car than in its 9 year life with me! Go figure! But, it's all "good work" to me, and I have never felt more satifisfed with my life than at this moment.
Saturday, we had the Greening of the Chapel. We spent the day collecting ivy, holly, and greens from the property. Some made wreaths while others snipped the holly leaves from bushes. Others cleaned which I thought was rather amusing since I knew what would happen as soon as the service started! And what a special service it was! Someone read a meditation, then we would begin to sing (I played the organ!) as people began to hang the branch cuttings from light fixtures - then another meditation, singing as we hung the wreaths all around the 8-sided chapel. The last is the most dramatic -- another meditation, then singing as people went to the open second floor and began to drop the ivy over the side.
TRANSFORMED! The Chapel is beautiful, and smells beautiful, too. It is officially Advent. Our chants are in candlelight....
We drew names and our stockings are hung with care... in the causeway from the main building to the Chapel. I check mine each day to see if my Secret Santa has dropped a surprise in there! I am very lucky - whoever it is KNOWS me. Oh yes, it is usually purple! Each evening before we eat, a meditation is read, and we stand for a few minutes to consider it. Yesterday, it was about the 4 Nuns that were raped, tortured, and then murdered 30 years ago in El Salvador. One of them was just 2 weeks younger than me.
Thankfulness - mainly, this is a season to be thankful... for me, anyway. I am surrounded by prayer, love and support - laughter, jokes and teasing.
Not to say I've found heaven on earth. Someone told me that religious enter a monastery with their personality, and they keep that personality. This is obvious in a few cases!! However, I don't buy that fully, as some have changed with love and encouragement just since I've been here. I pray that my heart will also learn to open as wide as it can - in order to be who I was meant to be on this earth. This is the goal that brought me to the mountain, and one I reach out for every single day.
I am the lucky one. I wonder how many try to be all they can be - and are beat down by the "season of Joy," media, those personalities that seem not to be able to take a breath without something demeaning passing their lips. And don't you just love it when they then turn and tell you how they live lives that are far reaching? We all know that deep down they are in such pain.
I haven't mentioned Jesus Christ once! Amazing, isn't it? Bet you thought this entry would be full of "the baby Jesus is about to be born." Well, we all know that, and like you - I wait for that blessed moment of celebration. However, I try very hard to remember that Jesus is my living example every day of the year. I grew so weary of going through the motions of being a Christian, and decided to walk it. Holidays and Holy Days are nice - but I really don't think Jesus had that in mind when he was living. These are human constucts that at one time, and in some other places, were meant to bring us closer to God and to the man who lived a life of example. He was a religious - and lived to be what he was meant to be.
My prayer for all of you is that you will spend this Holiday/Holy Days thinking about what it would take for you to set yourself free. What a gift under the tree that would be.
Saturday, we had the Greening of the Chapel. We spent the day collecting ivy, holly, and greens from the property. Some made wreaths while others snipped the holly leaves from bushes. Others cleaned which I thought was rather amusing since I knew what would happen as soon as the service started! And what a special service it was! Someone read a meditation, then we would begin to sing (I played the organ!) as people began to hang the branch cuttings from light fixtures - then another meditation, singing as we hung the wreaths all around the 8-sided chapel. The last is the most dramatic -- another meditation, then singing as people went to the open second floor and began to drop the ivy over the side.
TRANSFORMED! The Chapel is beautiful, and smells beautiful, too. It is officially Advent. Our chants are in candlelight....
We drew names and our stockings are hung with care... in the causeway from the main building to the Chapel. I check mine each day to see if my Secret Santa has dropped a surprise in there! I am very lucky - whoever it is KNOWS me. Oh yes, it is usually purple! Each evening before we eat, a meditation is read, and we stand for a few minutes to consider it. Yesterday, it was about the 4 Nuns that were raped, tortured, and then murdered 30 years ago in El Salvador. One of them was just 2 weeks younger than me.
Thankfulness - mainly, this is a season to be thankful... for me, anyway. I am surrounded by prayer, love and support - laughter, jokes and teasing.
Not to say I've found heaven on earth. Someone told me that religious enter a monastery with their personality, and they keep that personality. This is obvious in a few cases!! However, I don't buy that fully, as some have changed with love and encouragement just since I've been here. I pray that my heart will also learn to open as wide as it can - in order to be who I was meant to be on this earth. This is the goal that brought me to the mountain, and one I reach out for every single day.
I am the lucky one. I wonder how many try to be all they can be - and are beat down by the "season of Joy," media, those personalities that seem not to be able to take a breath without something demeaning passing their lips. And don't you just love it when they then turn and tell you how they live lives that are far reaching? We all know that deep down they are in such pain.
I haven't mentioned Jesus Christ once! Amazing, isn't it? Bet you thought this entry would be full of "the baby Jesus is about to be born." Well, we all know that, and like you - I wait for that blessed moment of celebration. However, I try very hard to remember that Jesus is my living example every day of the year. I grew so weary of going through the motions of being a Christian, and decided to walk it. Holidays and Holy Days are nice - but I really don't think Jesus had that in mind when he was living. These are human constucts that at one time, and in some other places, were meant to bring us closer to God and to the man who lived a life of example. He was a religious - and lived to be what he was meant to be.
My prayer for all of you is that you will spend this Holiday/Holy Days thinking about what it would take for you to set yourself free. What a gift under the tree that would be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)