The Tulip Leaf

I watched as it was formed. Peeking out as a bud, then uncurling. I meditated to it's newborn green form waving into life. It darkened over summer to deep green - feeding its mother tree, feeding our earth with oxygen....that tulip leaf outside my bedroom window.
Of course, it wasn't alone! It had a twin that shared its tiny branch, and the entire tree was covered with these shapely leaves. But it was that one I remembered each day - to look for - to settle into.
One day, as I watched out my window, trying to lift my spirits....it was a blue day and I didn't want to be down, but I was. I looked out across the expanse toward the grotto just under the ridge of the mountain. That day, it just didn't ease the dis-ease. Negative thoughts kept intruding on lighter ones and I gave up on lifting myself. It was going to be one of those days.
Then I saw it - that tulip leaf - out of the corner of my eye. Almost jumping as if in excitement! Swinging, vibrantly waving back and forth. Was it trying to catch my attention? How could a leaf jump and move in such circles while it's twin remained so still? That tulip leaf I saw come into life, I thought - I could hear it - HAPPY - HAPPY - Joy, Joy, Joy. And I smiled. There is no way you can look at such excitement, such.... JOY and not smile. Sunlight filled the window view, green was very green, yellow oh so yellow. And life was good. Life was joy.
The days became cooler. My favorite season; autumn. I knew the tulip leaf was going to let go - someday. First, it's twin turned yellow, then brown about it's edges. But THE tulip leaf remained unchanged. Whipping around each morning, as if just being busy living and giving life. One day, it's twin was gone. Still, tulip leaf danced on the wind.
Week before last, it turned yellow. It still waved and spun around, but I knew it was no longer feeding it's mother. Some day, I'll look out and it won't be there anymore, I thought. I wondered how I would feel. Last week I left the monastery for several days. Would it still be there when I returned? Many of the other leaves on the tree were dark brown - still clinging to branches even though well past it's time of life. Not even the wind could separate some of those leaves from their attachment. Maybe my tulip leaf would do the same.
I returned at night and although I turned off the lights in my room, it was a black void across the expanse out there. Next morning I went to prayer before the sun gave me enough light to make out shapes beyond tree branches. When I returned to my room, I hopped onto the bed and looked out. The branch was empty. The tulip leaf had let go...while I was gone...while it was yellow...still bright and I know, while still full of joy.

Birthing Angels Part II

I promised I would get back on this - birthing angels - and so I decided to take a few minutes to attempt to explain a very complicated (and obviously an area I am NOT an expert - the Kabballah)subject as simply as I can. I almost put it off again today, since I left one of the books I wanted to quote, and I also wanted to add some footnotes, etc...but decided I could ADD those later. For now, I have the time and the energy to jump into how WE DO give birth to angels!
For men, this should be particularly exciting!
Ever been around a new born baby - and thought of the beauty of life? Ever attended a HAPPY wedding to be lifted from your rut on apathy? Ever sat and watched a sunset and felt your heart push against your rib cage? What is that all about? It is a type of energy - and as we all know, energy does not begin and then - stop. And so, what does it DO and where does it GO?
The world we live in is very limited. I believe most people will agree - at least to a certain level. Please - even a dog can hear tones humans can not. Then, what else can we not hear? What else can we not see? Other animals can see many things in different lighting that we can not see, and who knows exactly what they DO see? Why is it that - for some people - there are times that do not seem to hold time, at all? They experience a flash of Oneness, timelessness.
And so, we live in a realm that has its limits - BUT - it also has the capability to extend it's limits (humans, at least). Humans are OF this world, but also have a spiritual side which is capable of tapping into other worlds - the "Holy." And we are drawn to these other worlds. Most people have a feeling of discontent or of searching when not somehow connected with a spiritual journey.
When we, since we are both of THIS world AND of the SPIRITUAL world, think or PRAY very positively - in sweet and loving images, with relaxed and close oneness to one's heart - that energy forms an essence that leaves us.
Okay, now hang with me, here... Angels do not live in our world. They are in a place (if you want to call it a place) where time is not as much of a factor than in ours. The closer one gets to the Divine, the less that "time" exists. Our world is constructed on time, which is a Point A to Point B concept. If we did not have these, there would be great difficulty in communicating to each other - hence, the difficulty of explaining experiences of a more spiritual nature.
Angels are made of essence. And, by our thoughts and our prayers - we give rise to them. We birth them - and we feed them. Things could become complicated here - and if anyone is interested, I can follow-up with what I understand as the explanation of the idea (and fact) of angel as messenger.
If it hasn't already occurred to you - there are also times when we are not thinking sweet thoughts and may even be "praying" for revenge! Yes, not ALL angels are created from and composed of - positive essence.
Ever gone through a divorce? Ever been around someone who is going through a divorce? Ever been around a heated argument? AND, felt something more than the emotional storm....felt a heaviness - felt as if something were alive? Felt as if there was something - at least - dark and growing? I do not think this is a rare occurrence with people. One time, when my church was filled with people kicking out the rector, I felt it so strongly, I called it "The Black Monster," and it was hungry! It was being fed on a large and regular basis, but for reasons I did not understand, it seemed to want MORE and MORE...was SO hungry and more more more NOW! I asked others if they could feel "it" and they did....most of them. Most of the people who were not feeding it.
A very large and dark angel was born in that church. Sad - so very sad - and it's essence was able to take hold of many people, there.
And so, I wanted to write about this because - I believe - we are RESPONSIBLE for the birthing of ANGELS! We can DO this! We CAN make a difference in worlds beyond our own - worlds that affect our own! Today, tonight, this afternoon - you could birth an angel - and each day, you could feed it.
Which kind will it be? That is what free will is about.

Birthing Angels

HUH? Did I say that? Good ole Campbell has lost it this time - LOL...or perhaps you are not surprised at all. Perhaps I should not be surprised, either! That, I am exploring the reality of birthing angels! YES! If one thinks about it, isn't it hinted at time and again? Oh dear, my Bible study part isn't the best...and so I AM leaning on a bit of passed information and sort-of-remembered passages. However, recently I stumbled upon the most amazing book - on the Kabbalah. It is fairly complex, but I sat --- absorbed -- and amazed at what I was reading!
I am going to play a bit unfair, here. I have not finished the book! And, I have several more on the Kabbalah to read before I jump right out there and say - YES - WE give birth to angels! And we also birth evil.
But think about it for a few minutes, and it could make perfect sense to you...."sense" where there are not any....that feeling you get inside your bones, inside your DNA that tells you something. A place the "modern church" has turned its back on, except through ritual. Really...try heading to a priest and tell them you talked to a couple of trees yesterday. The response will NOT be positive. It will be a veiled attempt to NOT tell you that it is inappropriate, but rather to "spiritually guide" you into doubting yourself. Gently. The nice ones do it very gently.
Tell Saint Frances about this!
But, you know, don't you? About that place? Don't you? Faith comes from there. Those hmmmm, little feelings that are new to you and come at the most surprising times, OR perhaps in worship, or when looking at nature's total beauty. That little feeling coming from deep inside...how did it get there and where does it go? IF you are one to believe in "cause and effect" then even those bits of energy are spreading out and??? what? This is the largest hint I will give you regarding the birth of an angel. And, if your heart has never pushed against your rib cage when looking at a newborn, or a mountain range, then I agree that you may not understand what I am talking about. Unfortunately, the "church" no longer understands it. Ritual (symbol) has lost it meaning beyond the word "devotion." Touching that "thin space" and stepping through the veil no longer happens - according to the attitudes of today.
WHY was it NOT inappropriate for Frances, Teresa of Avila, Julian of Norwich, Hildegard of Bingen and so so many others to have "these experiences?" Did someone get out the word that "it" does not happen any longer?
Might sound as if I am very off topic, but am I too far off? Do you have a difficult time imagining that you COULD birth an angel ...because??? What influences has there been in your life to cause you to immediately doubt?
Well, I am not going to let it all out here -- HOW we birth angels. That will come later. To be continued....
As for that other subject - talking with trees - or birds, or the sky, or "things," if you read the great saints, if you read the awesome contemplatives of the past, there should be no doubt that such a thing is possible. After all - Jesus talked with God all the time.... and if you say, "Well, he is the Son of God," (as if we are not the children of God, as well!), then what's with Moses and the prophets?
.....to be continued.....

The Only Restriction

This is me coming at ya! The monastery does not have a lot of restrictions regarding Christian beliefs - just that you believe in the life and ministry of Jesus. This should be obvious! They understand this means it is a highly personal relatioship; giving much latitude to the "ways" and "means" of private worship and "belief."
So, this is me coming at ya! Recently, a friend talked about not feeling the need to worship in a church. I emailed her back - talking about the ancient Christian establishment and how important it was to have community... and for most people that means church life. Worshiping together as The Body of Christ. Sounds nice, doesn't it? And, do not get me wrong - I think it IS very nice. Thing is, I really do not think it is neccessary - at all. Not even a little bit. For many people, it is necessary as we are social creatures and the added benefit of worship in a group setting is valuable. But - really - DOES this bring you closer to God? I stressed to my friend that living the life we are called to live includes living near and working with people we also do not like tremendously. And, how - if one is apart from a group, how DO you learn to love that neighbor --- if you don't have them? I still hang on that one. But, I do think that the "neighbor" is everywhere.
I happen to like attending church - because it has become a "thin place" for me. It is also apparaent that it is NOT a "thin place" for others. I have this feeling that the push for everyone to attend church (or feel guilty as all heck) is a bid to pay the electric bill! And, if the church is to keep its doors open - the electric bill DOES need to be paid.
Another point to consider is that some people need more structure than others. If they didn't sit in the pew every Sunday, they might well forget that God "is" at all! However, I also don't think that pew-sitting lends a lot to these people - the ones content on chucking a can of green beans in the plastic blue bin on the way into the sanctuary and calling that ministry! A lot of those. At the same time, I am not saying MUCH about this, since it surely isnt up to me to go that "good" and "bad" route.
In a nutshell - church can feed many; the masses. Is it neccesary? Not one whit! And so, the only restriction in "being a Christian" is to live as Jesus did. Afterall, the word Christian comes from the Greek meaning "little Christ." Next time you mention that you are a Christian, if you have trouble saying "I am a little Christ," perhaps you should avail yourself to the learning opportunitites and the group worship that churches can offer. Like AA or NA - these institutions can help you find that "thin space" where little christs are remembered - again.

A Year Of Change

Has it been a year, already? Well, almost - end of the month makes it official! Time at the monastery is even more elusive as it was out in that world! Is it because I am no longer punching a time clock? Could it be that I am not glued to the TV? My best guess is that I have - to some extent - beCOME content with living the moment. I've found that when you do that - time as perceived out there in that world takes on a new form. Time is just now and those nows add up to major time.... except you don't notice and most of all, you no longer care.
This may sound a little fuzzy, or strange, or something you can't relate to at all? I know when I met a monk at that place I can's spell at the moment - near Bardstown (Thomas Merton's monastery), Br. Paul was asked by someone in my group how long he'd been there...and he really didnt have a good idea of how long. It would have taken quite a bit of mathematics. It was certainly not an automatic number that popped up in his mind. Now, I can understand that better. When you live in a place where time is based on prayer-times it tends to become the backbone of your life and nothing much catches your time attention. Of course, I have to head to my volunteer work at a certain time - had a class in Frankfort this past weekend. Life in the monastery does not mean that life on the outside no longer exists - at least not where I reside. However, there is a new sense of ease about this whole time thing. You just let it pass for the moment and don't bother to add it up and make that a part of your life's inventory.
So, what great change has come over me this past year? Not much - and a great deal. I continue to be happy each day - count up those number of days of happiness and surely you would determine that change has come in various ways. I have grown closer to God - which was my intention. I continue and will continue to strive for such a relationship. That is why I breathe...
Recently, I was struck by a realization, which when it came to me, it was actually so simple in nature I was also hit by the way I had made it so complicated that it was me all along that had stood in the way of deeper happiness and a closer relationship with God. After all this rambling, I best let you in on it.
I have felt, at times, so close to nature. Particularly trees. Okay, sounds odd, but hang with me. I felt as if we were kindred, yet at times I was separate from them. When close to them, it was a feeling of joy, peace, wholeness, love. When not attuned, I yearned for the closeness to return. So, a lot of prayer time and reflection was spent on re-gaining that relationship. The other day - out of the blue - I realized that I AM a part of those trees - and they are of me. Just that simple! And so, I do not have to ASK or PRAY or BEG for a relationship. It is always there. It never began and it nevers stops. I feel much more settled now that I not only understand this on an intellectual level, but also feel it inside my bones.
And so yes, there has been a great change in me - but I doubt if you saw me walk down the street if you'd notice.

St. Benendict's Feast Day

We like Feast Days on the mountain -- it means we can skip Compline and go to bed if we are really tired! Sounds odd, doesn't it? But, as humans, we also get tired and would rather hit the hay than the prayer book. It is a nice break. I, and am sure others - like me - pray Compline in our rooms. We also have a special meal - which is a real treat during Lent! I had no idea that my birthday was one day after St. Benedict's Feast Day. Yes - you guessed it! This means two days in a row of having a special meal and no Compline! I have a class on Tuesday nights with the Postulant Mistress - and she asked if we could move it this week to Thursday...to give me an evening free to celebrate my birthday. It is small things like this that you find here on the moutain. People trying to be thoughtful.
Back to St. Benedict! The major reason I was drawn to St. Benedicts Rule was the amount of balance and fairness to humanity I found, there. This man was a remarkable character so far beyond his time. There were monastic communities during his lifetime, but they were rough and many times called for the members to live a life full of misery. This was not the intention of St. Benedict, who saw us all as being very human, as God made us. Therefore, we needed adequate shelter, food, and rest. If you read the Rule (version by Joan Chittister is my favorite),you will find time and again that St. Benedict states a rule and then turns around and says, "unless..... ." He made the Rule to be flexible according to the community, weather conditions, and even the different times of the year when daylight and darkness changed the rythmn of the day.
I could give you a history of St. Benedict, but that is easily Goggled, and so will not spend time here going through all of it. Let me add, however, that this remarkable man lived from the late 400s to the mid-500s. It is remarkable that his Rule continues strong today, but not surprising. I ask you to read it - as it is useful for any lifestyle, and was written NOT for clergy, but for the layperson. Joan's edition - with commentary will help you understand how to use it as a life rule in your home. I assume that most peope reading this are not monastics - HA!
One bit of information (true or not since there is very little about his life) that has always struck me in the heart. I quote a reference here: "We see him with his monks in the church, at their reading, sometimes in the fields, but more commonly in his cell, where frequent messengers find him "weeping silently in his prayers", and in the night hours standing at "the window of his cell in the tower, offering up his prayers to God"
Weeping. Why? For the giveness of others? For forgiveness of himself? For the pain and misery that surrounded him in his world? For not being able to lead all of his followers to God in the way he had intended? OR was he weeping FOR us? WITH us?

Life of a Postulant

Not that MY life as a postulant is typical... however, from what I've heard, it could come very close.
As a Protestant, I know that others may not have a clue what it is like to be in a monastery. Try reading some of early Thomas Merton! Now... that might help to clear up a few things that I am trying to explain, here! No, of course -- not that all wise and holy stuff! I have a LONG way before getting there! But, the times when he writes of the difficulty in monastery life. It is NOT easy! At least where I live, we are not a silent Order, and therefore there is not as much passive-aggressive behavior going on! Imagine being really ticked off at someone and you can't even SAY anything!
For those of you that have lived in a large family, you might have a closer idea. All is NOT roses and light. Good thing I did not enter into the monastery believing it would be! In my monastery, there are nine of us. That makes 9 different personalities to handle and respect. Turns out, some are a wee bit easier to handle and respect than others! And, of course, how normal is that? As I am learning in my postulant class, it is truly HOW we come to deal with each, learn to deeply love and respect each other no matter how wounded we may be, determines how successful we are in our spiritual life. The monastery is NOT a place where you hide and pray all day. On the contrary, it is a place where you know you are never REALLY alone, because even in your private room, there is someone right on the other side of the wall.
And so, some days are easier than others. All days are worth it, let me tell you that straight up. Every one is SUPPOSED to have the same goal; to love and respect each other. That means, even when someone gives you a big kick in the self esteem, they hopefully will see that behavior (if not today, then in time) and grow from that, as well. In the kicked, it is a matter of seeing the other person as wounded and reaching out to understand them. Have you ever had your self esteem pummeled and then looked at that person as wounded; in need of understanding?
You may be getting my drift..... life in a monastery is not easy. It is not an escape from the world. It IS a place where the environment is looking toward love and understanding as best as each can muster. It is a place where God is the center. It is a place where personal spiritual growth is encouraged. We are NOT meant to become the same person. Thank goodness for that! It wouldnt work, anyway! Because God has made us differently; we would playing God to attempt to seek the person we expected us to be, rather than the person God made with love.
But - who is that? It is during the time of postulancy that I get to ponder that like never before. It will be a search that will never end. It is a journey that I embrace and, at times, wish I wasn't intent on embracing!